Saturday, February 2, 2013

How To Not Get Bombarded With Ihop Cutlery

Prepare your silly scene kid hipster emo vampire boneheaded selves. I am about to rip a general hole in everyones collective asses.

Forgive me for being old. Seriously. I apologize for being 28. I realize that's old age for gays, and believe me, this blog is being written from an old folk's home as a formality.

Being so old, I certainly am unqualified to make any judgments, I'm sure. That being said, watch me do it anyway.

Because I can.

This is my blog, unfortunately for you.

El. Oh. El Camino.

Item one: I'm sorry, but if you're out with me and we're eating or something, and I get a Facebook notification where you're saying “bored, text it,” rest assured that I will kill you. I have four hours to myself, now. Per week. Between work and school and writing, I am booked. If I am able to find the time to hang out with you, and you post something so offensive, so deal-breaking, so spectacularly idiotic and insensitive, rest assured that you will be sampling all of my food. Forcibly, down your face, plates and glasses and spoons bouncing off your person. I will put my sundae up your ungrateful god damned ass. I will shower you in my soda, and I will leave you with the bill in the hopes that I have just made your night more interesting.

I realize that being under 25 makes it mandatory to be bored at all times, but do try to suppress it. Do try.

Item two: Those awful celebration photos I see littering my news feed. The ones where you're singing or something. With your mouth half open and your head cocked to one side, not smiling.

It's pretty rare that anyone makes that face outside of the Internet, but all you shiny rainbow asshats make that face online. It's like a plague. It's like you see a camera phone and your face goes BOOMDUMBASSFUCKME.

I'm sure they make pills for that.

Item three: Let's not post our phone numbers on Facebook walls in comments. I think the reasoning behind this should be obvious to any sentient, sound-minded person. This one is less of a criticism and more of warning.

You wouldn't spray paint your number on the outside of someone's house or car with the words “call me” below it.


Because you, my friend, would look like a god damned asshat. And you would probably be arrested.

And besides that, someone would spend the next five days calling your number and breathing. Am I right?

I MISS U KALL ME *insert phone number*

Classy. Very, very classy.

Darwin award. Here you go.

Item four: You post pictures of yourself, yet you say you're ugly in every one of them. Well, if you're ugly, why spread it around?

Item five: your illiterate haikus instead of human dialogue. Allow me to introduce you to my friends, grammar and punctuation. Admittedly, I post some things with typos sometimes, but I at least respect my native language enough to use it properly, including word wrap.

Humans do not talk like this:

u r annoyng
but i luv u
u hav no lice
so thats good
im done

No. No no no. Absolutely not. Get rid of it. Kill it with fire. Teach it to write whole sentences or destroy it.

Maybe I'm just old for a gay. I can feel the spindles of age creeping into my bones.

Of course, the people I'm addressing here would never venture far enough into my profile to click on a link to a blog, so I'm ranting. That's all it is.

And it's all in good fun. I don't actually want to punch people with brass knuckles made of dinner plates over a Facebook status. But DAMN it feels good to get this all out.

I hope it was at least educational.